After talking to Katie, I've decided that it is time to face my biggest fear. All my life, there has been a gaping hole in my chest. A feeling of worthlessness and loneliness. I have hit my limit, and it is time for me to fill my hole. I need to find my faith.
One of the main struggles that I have, however, is learning more about God and His word. As trivial as this may sound, I always feel that I am too old to learn about Him, that I should have learned when I was younger, and that I'm not worthy of His love. I understand that all of those are false feelings, but sometimes it is hard for me to shake things.
I grew up in a religious family until they stopped attending the Catholic Church when I was in third grade. At that age in my life, I wasn't exactly listening to the sermon, but just wanted to get out. For awhile I didn't care much for religion, until I hit my health and family problems in sixth grade, and realized that I needed to find God to help me. I didn't have anybody else.
I tried. I failed. I tried again. I went to church with friends, tried to study the Bible, reached out to people for help, and found myself where I started. I have had a constant battle with my faith.
It isn't because I don't believe in God. I do. It isn't because I dread going to church. I don't. I guess through all of the struggles that I've been through, I sometimes find it hard to believe that there truly is somebody looking out for me. I've had a lot of time to reflect about it, however, and deep down I do know that He is there. It is a matter, however, of me letting him in and realizing that I don't have enough knowledge to completely control my life. I need guidance. I can't push God away anymore.
So this blog entry is me asking God for forgiveness and understanding, leaving a huge gap of life, and signing the bottom of the page, allowing him to fill in the middle for me.
PS- I'd like to use this blog to document my spiritual journey. Maybe if I post here about what I learn from Him, you guys can help me out with your thoughts and advice.
For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.- Romans 10:13